stilllovingdisney:

flandusism:

"if you’re straight then why did you say she was hot"

yo i’m straight not blind

One time a nun at my school saw a hot guy and said “woah God did a nice job on that one” and we all looked at her like ??? and she goes “I’m allowed to look at the menu I just can’t order”

(Source: winchestersaints)

planetchelsey:

kissmewhenidie:

kiefharing:

dmnq8:

Cool bed ideas for small spaces.

yes please

WANT. All of them!

OMG

ch-ndl-r:

revenge is a drink best served with a straw

SUCK IT

Why the hell should I attend someone’s funeral if they aren’t going to attend mine?

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

mrteavg:

GIRLS: if ur at a party and a guy hands you his phone to put ur number into, text REDCROSS to 90999 and he’ll donate $10 to hurricane relief

Girl are you on your period cuz you’re ovary acting.

Save your heart for someone who cares.

I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me.

i’m gonna name my firstborn “arial” and people will be like “oh like the mermaid” and i’ll say “no like the font”

watching titanic and not crying……there’s an iceberg where my heart used to be.

Damnnnnnn gurrrrrrrl are you a smoke detector? Cause you are really fucking loud and annoying.

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. “This,” he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.”

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”

Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’

‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘whose clock is that?’

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’

‘Incredible,’ said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’

‘Where’s President Obama’s clock?’ asked the man.

Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office.
He’s using it as a ceiling fan.